30 – Nice Thoughts Only, Please


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Russian Dictator: “Boy, is this going to be good!” 

Hispanic Dictator: “Oh, yeah? What’s cooking?” 

Russian D: “Only the best stew ever! I’ve cooked up a nice, fat, juicy virus. Haha. Want a taste?”

Hispanic D: “Ah, no thanks. I’m on a diet. Deadly viruses are strictly off-limits. Who’s it for?” 

Russian D: “It’s a gift for my freedom-loving friends.” 

Hispanic D: “Haha! Nice gift! How will you give it to them?” 

Russian D: “Well, it will have to be a secret, of course. I love secrets. Don’t you?” 

Hispanic D: “Are you kidding? Secrets and lies are my stock-in-trade! But I still don’t understand what the purpose of your virus is.” 

Russian D: “Why, to wreak havoc, death, and destruction, of course!” 

Hispanic D: “Nice! But how do you intend to pull it off? Deadly viruses can be tricky to work with. Not that I would know, of course. We would never deal in such atrocities.”

Russian D: “Right, right. Your morality shames me. At any rate, the key is the pre-made cure. First, the virus will be released right here, in my own backyard. Being a repressive regime, I can declare an emergency and lock down my citizens immediately. People will have to comply. I am a repressive regime, after all. By locking down, we’ll be able to limit the damage. But since the virus is very contagious, inevitably some infected people will make it to other countries.” 

Hispanic D: “Hey, wait a minute! What about my country?”

Russian D: “No problem! You are a repressive regime, too! You can lock everybody down the same way I can!” 

Hispanic D: “True, but we can’t be locked down forever.” 

Russian D: “That’s where the pre-made cure comes in! After a while, we announce that we’ve miraculously invented a vaccine to protect against this dreaded virus. We will inoculate our population first, and then generously offer the cure to other nations. Think of the positive publicity!” 

Hispanic D: “Ah, put me first in line for the cure please!” 

Russian D: “No worries! After all, we repressive regimes need to stick together!”

Hispanic D: “And what about those freedom-loving countries? What happens to them?” 

Russian D: “That is the best part! They will be in total chaos. You see, they can’t lock down. Their citizens won’t listen to scientific reason. And not being authoritative states, the populace will spread the virus like crazy! They will squeal about their freedom, which in this case includes the freedom to die.” 

Hispanic D: “Haha. There’s a region in one of those freedom-loving countries whose motto is ‘Live Free or Die’. ” 

Russian D: “Ha ha! They will be changing their motto to ‘Live Free and Die’!” 

Hispanic D: “I have to admit, your scenario sounds pretty nifty. Millions will be dead in those freedom-loving countries, while we State-managed repressive regimes can lock down tight, thus promoting the benefits of State control of the masses. Beautiful!” 

Russian D: “Not to mention how that same awesome State control developed the miracle vaccine to save humanity!” 

Hispanic D: “You’re right. This is going to be good! How long have you been working on this plan?” 

Russian D: “Oh, for several years now. Everybody works on this stuff. Including you. Admit it.” 

Hispanic D: “Ah, er, well maybe, but I’m not too clear on the details. If we were, it would only be for defensive purposes, of course.”

Russian D: “Oh, yes. Of course! Defensive indeed. Just like all of those freedom-loving countries. They are working on deadly viruses too, but strictly for ‘defensive’ purposes. They don’t like to talk about it, though. Scares the kiddies and grandmas. Better to keep everything super-secret.” 

Hispanic D: “Makes sense. Who wants to think about death and destruction? Better to focus on nice thoughts. World peace. Love for humanity. Basic human rights. All that feel good stuff those free democracies love to talk about.” 

Russian D: “Yes. Including the right to die, eh?”

Death: “Excuse me, but I seem to have detected a flaw in your plan. A small oversight perhaps?” 

Russian D: “Who are you, and why the black clothes? Do you always dress like that? Seems a bit morbid.” 

Death: “Well, since I have a role in your play, I figured that I’d share a few ideas of my own.” 

Russian D: “A role? Sorry, but we don’t need you or your ideas.” 

Death: “True, but you might want to hear them out, anyway. Just in case.” 

Russian D: “In case of what?” 

Hispanic D: “Ah, maybe we should hear him out. He looks familiar to me, and not in a good way. I saw him around during the revolution when we had dead bodies in the street.” 

Death: “Yes, that would be my favorite venue! You could say I’m a rock star at deadly events.” 

Russian D: “Very well, but make it quick.” 

Death: “Quick or slow makes no difference to me. I am the embodiment of patience. At any rate, what makes you so confident that you can control this virus? What if it mutates and your vaccine doesn’t work?” 

Russian D: “Ridiculous! Our scientists have it completely under control. Keep in mind, we are a State-run country. We can plan things out very carefully.” 

Death: “History suggests that your State-run plans quite often go astray. Haven’t you noticed that?” 

Russian D: “Well, this time is different. We have things planned to perfection. We have carefully created this virus and we will be in total control.”

Mother Nature: “Excuse me, but once the virus is released, then I will be in charge.”

Russian D: “What? Who the heck are you? Jeez, this conversation’s getting crowded!” 

Mother Nature: “I am many things. I am Change. I am Chaos. I am Unpredictability. I bring Life. But I also bring Death.” 

Death: “Hey, thanks for the shout-out Mother Nature! ! I’m already here, by the way. When I heard my name, I figured I’d stop by to check things out.” 

Russian D: “Look. It’s very nice of you guys to pay a visit, but we really don’t need to listen to all this negativity. Everything is under perfect control.” 

Hispanic D: “Uh, maybe we should hear more about the chaos part? You know, just in case?” 

Russian D: “In case of what? Ugh. I gotta go. This conversation is getting really annoying.” 

Female Alien: “Wait, don’t leave yet! I was hoping to get more details, too.” 

Russian D: “What? Someone else sticking their nose into this?”

Female Alien: “Well, a few of us Aliens have started a betting pool on the ultimate vehicle of your demise. Some of us are betting on an out-of-control bioweapon. So, I wanted to hear more details about your carefully controlled plan, which already seems to have a few doubters.” 

Russian D: “Well, feel free to doubt all you want. Meanwhile, I’m sticking to the game plan. I am in control. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Sorry to disappoint all of you.” 

Female Alien: “Great! That’s exactly what I wanted to hear. Every time you humans think you’re in complete control of things, that’s a sure sign that the worst is about to happen. It immensely raises the odds of disaster, since your arrogant confidence leads to a total lack of planning for any potential success.” 

Hispanic D: “Success? Don’t you mean failure?” 

Female Alien: “Failure for you. The conclusion of a successful wager for me.” 

Death: “Failure indeed. If your plans go awry, Mother Nature will deliver your heads to me on a plate. My favorite dinner! Death Stew. Yummy!”

Russian D: “This conversation is ridiculous. I have never heard such negativity. As I said before, things are completely under control. Sorry to disappoint your little pouty party, but I must be going now. You guys can continue your morbid discussion without me.” 

Hispanic D: “Haha. Now you sound like one of those freedom-loving countries.” 

Russian D: “What do you mean?” 

Hispanic D: “You know. Like I said. These foolish democracies only want to think nice thoughts. Everything will be fine. Never talk about what could go wrong. Only spoils the fun, eh?” 

Russian D: “Exactly! Can we all just think nice thoughts please?” 

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