26 – Money Machine


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Julie: “Hi Jimbo. What’s that on the kitchen table?” 

Jimbo: “Oh, hi Julie! You mean my new machine? Didn’t you get one?” 

Julie: “Get what? I’ve never seen anything like it. What does it do?” 

Jimbo: “Well, it’s a printer.”

Julie: “Oh, for your computer?” 

Jimbo: “Naw. It’s a money printin’ machine.” 

Julie: “A what? Uh, Jimbo. Those are illegal. Haven’t you had enough problems with the law lately? You can’t just print money, you know.” 

Jimbo: “Incorrecto, Miss Julie! It’s all perfectly legal.” 

Julie: “Huh?” 

Jimbo: “Well, the government decided it was more efficient to allow people to print their own money, rather than sendin’ it to ‘em each month. With so many different benefits now, it was gittin’ too hard to keep track of ‘em all: Electric bill subsidies, fuel assistance, rent abatements, childcare credits, food stamps, free cell phones, subsidized school lunches, free health insurance, welfare benefits, you name it.”

Julie: “So, you don’t get any of those things anymore?”

Jimbo: “Don’t need ‘em! I just print whatever I want. Simple and convenient. The politicians love it, too. Helps around election time. They claim it ‘empowers the people’, whatever that means. All I know is that now us regular folk get to decide how much money we need, rather than some government bureaucrat. I heard my congressman talking about it yesterday on the TV. Somethin’ bout ‘to each accordin’ to his needs’. Now each one of us can decide how much we need. Simple!” 

Julie: “Well, I didn’t get one.”

Jimbo: “That’s probably cuz of the other part of what the congressman said. ‘From each accordin’ to his ability. Somethin’ like that.” 

Julie: “Hmm. Those phrases sound awfully familiar. But how does that explain why I didn’t get one?” 

Jimbo: “Well, you work for a livin’. Have a nice salary, too. Some of us less fortunate need help. It’s only fair.” 

Julie: “Maybe, but a free money machine? Where are you going to keep it? It’s kind of big to leave on the kitchen table.” 

Jimbo: “Oh, it ain’t stayin’ here. I’m putting it in the upstairs bathroom.” 

Julie: “Huh?” 

Jimbo: “Well, it runs on toilet paper. Looky here, you insert the roll in like this, and then it unwinds into the printer. Comes out the other end. You gotta be sure it’s perforated, though. That way the bills can be neatly separated. It also eliminates the need for havin’ a separate dispenser for hygienic purposes.”

Julie: “What? You wipe your butt with money?”

Jimbo: “Sure. Why not? I kin always print more!” 

Julie: “Isn’t it special paper, though? Where do you buy it?” 

Jimbo: “At the grocery store, silly! Although it’s gotta be government approved.”

Julie: “Government approved toilet paper?”

Jimbo: “Yup. By the Department of Financial Anality.” 

Julie: “The what? I’ve never heard of that department.”

Jimbo: “Well, it replaced the Department of the Treasury. Don’t need them anymore since everyone can print their own money now.” 

Julie: “I’m not too sure about this. How do you decide how much is enough? Where does it all stop?” 

Jimbo: “Not sure. For me, it doesn’t stop until I print enough for that new RV I have my eye on. For some reason, the price keeps goin’ up, so I’d better hurry! Speakin’ of which, I gotta go. Lots to do. This printin’ money stuff is hard work!” 

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