Human: “I can’t believe this! Again I find you running out in the street! We’ve discussed this how many times?”
Beast: “Woof.”
Human: “Chasing cats again, I’ll bet. Who is it this time? Is it Buddy?”
Beast: “Yip.”
Human: “And I’m guessing that would be the same Buddy that lives across the street? The one with the very sharp claws who weighs over 20 pounds?”
Beast: “Mmmm.”
Human: “You are a little fox terrier. Buddy has almost ten pounds on you. And then there is the minor issue of cars barreling down the street. Remember those?”
Beast: “Erf.”
Human: “And do you remember the zap collar? I’ll bet you do. You whined and whined about it. Wanted your freedom, didn’t you? Then you complained to the vet, and she convinced me that it was cruel.”
Beast: “Grrr….”
Human: “So what did I do? I got rid of it. You know what that means? It means that if you want to survive, you had better start using your canine intelligence to fully grasp the situation! In case you have forgotten since our last conversation, let me repeat for the hundredth time: Cars are heavy. They move fast. The driver cannot see you because you are a little fox terrier. You are going to get your skull smashed in! Squashed terrier soup!”
Beast: “Sniff, sniff. Yum!”
Human: “What are you doing? Stop licking me! Yes, I just ate some Cheetos! Are you paying attention?”
Beast: “Lick. Lick.”
Human: “This is so frustrating! Why can’t you understand that it is your own behavior that is creating so many problems for you? Use your doggy intellect! Figure things out! Look both ways before crossing! Hello? Anybody home?”
Beast: (crying sounds)
Human: “Quit your whining. You just don’t get it. You don’t understand the imminent peril you are in. And if you die, you’ll die in ignorance. Never knowing the cause. No moment of truth. No deep revelation will hit you, except for the front fender smashing into your thick skull!”
Beast: “Woof!”
Human: “What is it now? Oh, the TV again? What are you so fascinated about this time? Ah, I see. Something moving fast across the screen. No wonder!”
Beast: “Yip!”
Human: “No, that isn’t a frisbee. It’s a rocket.”
Beast: “Whee!”
Human: “Haha. No, silly. It’s not a space rocket with dogs in it. It’s a test of a submarine-launched nuclear missile.”
Beast: “Whine. Yip.”
Human: “Oh, don’t worry about it. That is a human problem, not a dog problem. You have more important things to worry about. Like fast-moving cars and 20-pound cats. Besides, I have my own problems. I gotta get to work!”
Beast: “Woof.”
Human: “Yes, I will look both ways. Thank you.”
Beast: “Woof! Woof!”
Human: “What? Haha! No, don’t be silly. I don’t need to look out for nuclear missiles. I need to look out for cars. Remember those? And my angry boss if I’m late. Now go outside in the fenced backyard, where at least I know you’ll be safe.
Human: “Hah. Nuclear missiles indeed. Foolish beast!”